I was already feeling irritable the other day when I went out to eat.

Then, at the next table, someone turned their phone volume to the max for a video call. That sound wasn't just noise; it was piercing. A specific frequency, like a needle, repeatedly stabbing into my eardrums.

Only one thought remained in my head: 'Are they deaf!? Why so loud?' At that moment, the headache was so intense it became nauseating. I even became clearly aware of something that shocked me, a realization that I was genuinely capable of it: rushing over, grabbing the phone, and smashing it to pieces.

Even more terrifying? I had already calculated the fallout. Being filmed, posted online, becoming that "emotionally unstable," "unrefined," "bottomless" villain. Being condemned by ten thousand voices.

Yet, in that split second, I felt: 'I can take it.' Because I truly couldn't hold on anymore. My head felt like it was about to explode. I couldn't play the part of the repressed, decent, calm version of myself.

I suddenly felt a profound loathing for that kind of life constantly enduring, constantly pretending, acting as if having read a few books automatically turns one into a saint. I don’t want that.

I admit it: I have emotions. The kind that explode. The agitated, borderline-out-of-control, unrefined side. Thinking about this, I even startled myself a little. 😆

In the end, nothing happened. Not because I was noble, nor because I had a sudden epiphany. It was simply that seconds before I truly snapped, the person hung up.

That was it. I sat back in my seat, my heart still racing. It occurred to me then: maybe they were also enduring something just now. Who knows? Who doesn't have their own detonation point?

Within all chaos, there is black and white. Being a "good person" for a long time doesn't mean there is no darkness within. Restraint isn't an eternal virtue; it’s simply a temporary state where one hasn't yet been pushed to the edge.

I don’t believe that because I’ve read a few books, I must live as some "idealized version." Humans are not finished spiritual products. We are just... currently, not yet exploded.



—— 🎐 XC Scribbles · 壹佰參拾 CXXX 📱