I realized I’m not forgetful. I’m betrayed by my habits.

Every car has different controls. Some start with a button, some with a key. Some reverse with a switch, some with a gear lever. Whenever I haven’t driven a certain car for a while, the first thing I do isn’t starting it— it’s sitting there for three seconds, blank, my brain rapidly searching: How did I do this last time?

The most awkward part is the horn. Some are in the center of the wheel, some on the sides. In an emergency, I want to press it, but my hand gestures helplessly in the air, like a silent accusation directed at the steering wheel.

Reversing is even funnier. I’ll be in a hurry to back up, and my hand naturally reaches for a gear lever that doesn’t even exist. The button is right in front of me, but my habit has already made the wrong decision.

Playing the accordion is the same. On my own instrument, I’ve secretly built countless little anchors for myself, a certain angle, a certain tactile cue, a very private shortcut. The moment my hand touches it, I know exactly where the note is.

But when I switch to someone else’s accordion, all those anchors vanish. My hands turn into lost animals, grasping at nothing.

That’s when I realized a habit is not a skill. A habit is the kind of tacit understanding that grows when we’ve lived with a system for a long time. It works beautifully until we move into a different world.

So I’ve started to wonder: are habits actually good, or bad?

They make today’s me efficient, but they might make tomorrow’s me clumsy.

We talk a lot about “building good habits.” What we rarely talk about is how once a habit is built, it starts rejecting other possibilities. We’re not incapable. Our body is just still living in yesterday.

Maybe the real purpose of habits isn’t to make us faster, but to remind us that when we get stuck, it’s not because we’re failing, it’s because we’re using an old map to look for a new exit.

Thinking this way, I suddenly felt a bit gentler toward myself. Next time I press the wrong horn, can’t find reverse, or hit the wrong note, I’ll tell myself:

“It’s okay. I just haven’t fallen in love with this new world yet.”



—— XC Scribbles · 肆拾參 XLIII 🔘